A stream of thoughts

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This afternoon has been one of deep thinking.  Asking if mom was comfortable being with grandma everyday.  Discovering that home with grandma was where she wanted to be.  Finding that, until this year, I have never known what real and absolute Love was, and once it was revealed to me, it was almost too vivid for my mind to understand.  My heart knew it well, but it made me realize why we are imperfect.  Why it was meant to be that human mortals must be so incomplete: to discover Who completes us.  And His grace really is sufficient for us.  I know that now.

Wondering about the uncanny connection between dying stars and grandma’s leukemia.  She was once bright and full of light, energy.  Hope.  She too was a young girl with all the desires and dreams that I drift on now, but she has lived her life, and she has seen her kids have kids, and those kids have kids.  She has known joy so complete, has loved with all her heart, has somehow obtained the strength to worry about things she can’t control for another day.  As she matured, her light grew brighter.  And now, as it wavers and dims, she is saying, “see you later” with a couple of air kisses and a wink.  There is not a day that meanders by that I don’t marvel at grandma’s strength.  It is truely God given.  Soon her light will go out, but no matter, because the place she goes before us all is a place that needs no stars, no sun, no moon for light.  There is One who shines brighter than we could ever imagine.  And His light will never go out.

Realizing that as much as we enjoy the beauty of life, death must be appreciated as well.  There is no sting to it left, there is no bite.  God has revealed it to be a remarkable, breathtaking experience.  When that last breath is breathed, and our souls reach for the Hand that made us…when that faint line between our world and the next is crossed…when all that has made us incomplete is left behind.  When life goes on, but in our hearts we still hold a spot for that loved one.  When we ask, “Why?” and discover His promise to us all over again, when we can “Be still, and know that I am God.”

Then the world turns, and we blink, and the years rush by.  Pain, joy, suffering, love, peace, and hope.  We will know them all.  And yet that which was made to break us can only make us stronger.  What is the Valley of the Shadow?  Is it not a blessing in disguise?  A blessing to show us new things about ourselves that we never thought possible?

I am young and ignorant, but I do know this: this summer will be one that I have never known before.  On this bridge that I have already crossed, that I’m still crossing…the final bridge between childhood and adulthood.  It hasn’t been easy, and I haven’t expected it to be, but what are challenges that weren’t meant to teach us all something?

There are days when I get ancy and melancholy all at once, and I have to leave the house to walk by myself to think things through.  There are still more when I go into my room and close the door, appreciating a quiet time with myself and God.  Often times, I tend to get lost in my own world at school, watching my peers focus on themselves instead of caring for others.  That was the first thing I noticed since discovering grandma’s sickness.  Even when there are so many who are hurting and begging for acceptence, so many kids in my school cast them aside, or use them for the front of their jokes.  Few and far between are the times I will ever hear laughter that has not come from belittling another.  And, as I watch the self-absorbed girls around me in my Spanish class, I marvel at their consistency for disrespect.  I wonder about their lives, their relationships with their parents, what made them this way.  One morning I was full of teenage angst, and my mom and I had a heated discussion on the way to my school.  I felt so terrible throughout the day, I texted an apology.  I had no right to think of myself before her or anyone else.  Especially not now.

And so I get up in the morning and prepare myself for another long day at school.  Somehow, God has given me the grace and the strength to finish strong.  Sometimes I feel as though I am outside of myself, but that is to be expected right now.  I will fight the good fight, and finish the race, keeping my eyes on that prize.

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